Last year when I was diagnosed with cancer I had a sense that it was going to help me change my life for the better. What I did not know is that cancer would save my life, because it helped me to embrace life fully, and it helped me let go of rigid belief systems that were suppressing my ability to truly connect with myself, and others. As I began my path of healing cancer with natural approaches, I realized that if I did not stop suppressing my feminine inside, I would never truly connect with a woman in the way that I desired.
It’s not what our society wants us to think it is. All that stuff is just ego bullshit. Over the last year I’ve written about how I’m integrating my feminine side, and during this process I haven’t talked about the male side much other than expressing its shadow qualities. Our society is going through a similar process with the male figure. But now it’s time to address this male side that comes so naturally to me and how, like the feminine energy, it too is absolutely beautiful. Society has given me many ideas about how I can express the qualities of being a man, many of which are way off the mark.
The truth of the matter is that there is so much depth, love, and compassion inside of a male. But for man to fully express these qualities, he must first accept all parts of himself—the male and female sides.
We have to get in touch with the feminine side. But for some weird reason our society has put a stigma on males recognizing the beauty in one another, and that a man getting in touch with these things is weak. What? Where in the fuck did that come from? That’s like saying the feminine is weak, which is insane because the strength of a woman is limitless.
Sometimes the deepest beauty comes from darkest places. But it’s in those places that we find pure love. Last year my second Ayahuasca ceremony, one of the most difficult and painful experiences in my life, I had powerful reflections and lessons. As I let go of the remaining fragments of ideas I’ve formed about who I am as a man, I was confronted by how much I was holding on to these ideas.
I’ve always considered myself a free-spirited person, but I suppressed my natural attraction to the male energy and the result was that I acted out in shadowy ways around this at times. It wasn’t malicious or often, but it was enough that I needed to take look at it, and I’m thankful that I did.
During my second ceremony I was thinking about a beautiful spirit that I met at festival in Germany. This man is literally one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. As I purged away the past, I sent my love and gratitude to him as I thought about the unique connection we have. He has a raw masculine energy, an extraordinary mind, and a fully integrated feminine side that I absolutely love. We are a perfect mirror for one another—strong, primal, mindful souls. During the ceremony I became abundantly aware of my love for this great life force that is a powerful mirror for me. What a gift.
During the festival my soul partner, and I expressed so much love to each other, and we later talked about how we didn’t care what it looked like, because we knew that what we were sharing was pure love. As we embraced each other fully in one another’s arms, we cried and laughed. Martin and I are the kind of spirits where nothing will ever happen sexually, because the connection we have is much more than that anyway. It’s about pure love and the recognition of the beauty we see in each other. Even though they could, these types of connections between people don’t have to lead to anything sexual. They are simply examples of what love looks like. The love he and I share and recognize in one another has all that good stuff that makes people gravitate towards one another.
Our society teaches us to totally suppress this very natural appreciation, especially between men. As a result our culture has created an intense shadow side of sexuality.
It’s time to drop our thoughts about how it looks to others. If you want to judge me as being some wacky hippy, so be it. And for me, I’m not talking about free love or having sex with everybody I feel a good vibe with. I just don’t have the energy, nor desire for that. Who we sleep with is very important to the soul, and there needs to be so much love and respect between two people.
Penetration inside a woman is no longer a focus that drives me when I get into situations of passion. Making love happens through energy, and this can be done in so many deep and blissful ways.
That ceremony was fucking painful. But, afterward and today I feel a love inside that I’ve never experienced. It’s total freedom, and now more then ever, I feel a deep connection to my strength as a man. And although my home is being with a woman, I understand that recognizing the beauty in another man is essential in order for me to fully embrace who I am.
Much of what we are taught in life stems from a fear-based perspective that does nothing more than limit our true potential as human beings. We go through life putting a label on just about everything that we come across. As humans we like to identify things and we think that in doing so, we can understand the thing we are putting in a box. Sometimes this is valuable, but many times the labels we use stifle a potentially expansive experience. If we approach life with the curiosity of a child and we acknowledge that we don’t have all of the answers, we can begin to unlock our potential in ways that previously limited us.
Some of us, like myself, were told at a young age by teachers that we had learning disabilities and that we would struggle in life. Many of us are taught by adults that we cannot achieve this or cannot obtain that—and these types of limiting beliefs begin to shape our worlds. But what would happen if we did not put these unnecessary perspectives on each other? What would happen if we allowed ourselves the possibility that we can expand who we are beyond the surface? I fully believe that if we lived life without trying to label everything we would experience an entirely different world, one that is full of expansion, beauty, and an understanding of ourselves as infinite in what we can have, do, and be. The possibilities would be endless. There is no room for judgment; all it does is suppress our expression and creativity.
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