The Call of Spirit by Christina Alvarez
What is spirituality? At its core, can we ever really hone into a general definition of it? I don’t believe so, as I see spirituality as the synchronistic experience of the individual. We may share our individual experiences in order to glean off of each other’s paths. Yet, there is no one rule. There are no general answers. The vague descriptions within spirituality cater to this premise — that the only answer is the one that we choose for ourselves.
I was the type of person who was ingrained with the philosophy of “success”. My success tools were definitely located within the realm of bourgeois intellectualism. When you use big words that you learned in college against others in attempts to exude your superiority, dominance, and level within the hierarchal realm of value — emotions begin to mean so little to you. The heart has no merit compared to a fat wallet or a beautiful review on linkedin. It is a game of what you seem to be to others, and not who you actually are to others.
Most recently, I dropped out of college in order to follow the call of my spirit. If I had told this to my 20 year old self, she would have laughed, told me to grow up, and told me to drink more in order to placate my emotions. Yet, that’s not what life had in store for me. I couldn’t keep strangling myself inside, and that’s what it felt like. I did a lot of good work, and I tried to make good with the people I met. Yet, because I was miserable in my path this inauthenticity translated to all of my actions. I was playing a role and you can only hold character for so long. I dropped out of high-school my junior year and went back a year later to graduate as Salutatorian with my class. Suffice it to say that I am not worried about these cornerstones of life. They seem meaningless to me, and most people I meet are not happy with themselves. I don’t profess a life of hedonism, but I do profess a life of joy.
School was strangling me, the person that everyone expected me to be was strangling me, and my submission to their dreams of who I was — was definitely the choke-hold. So I left that life, those ideas, and what others wanted of me. I left behind the idea of the career of being a lawyer with a husband and a few kids. The white picket fence began to resemble the straight-jacket in my mind. I felt trapped in dreams that I didn’t even conceive for myself.
I don’t want to live in a world where the homeless are hungry, where we kill each other in the name of dead ideas, and where people cannot even authentically hold conversations with each other. Our great writers always drank themselves to death to keep away from us. From how horrible we allow our ego to fester into wars, illnesses, prideful vengeance, and general exploitation. I realized that I did not want to contribute to that life.
What does it mean to be here? It means that I am lost because I am free. It means that these choices are my own despite the lack of reason they present to others.
Goddess doesn’t speak to us in the realm of language. She speaks to us in emotions, in dreams, in symbols, and in those inner pulls.
I have chosen to listen because either way I will die in this dimension and at the end of the road I want to know that I walked a path that was my own. Even if my grave isn’t littered with flowers, beers, and photos. I do not want greatness. I only want to live from a place of love.
Cheers to all of us orbiting around the universe in this strange place. Whatever we are doing, we are doing it.
You are alive, and you are here. Make the most of it.
“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button